Learning to Tame Your Inner Critic

Imagine for a moment when you did something you regretted or tried something that didn’t go as well as planned. Now, think about that voice in your head when you faltered. Was it supportive and reassuring or self-critical and blaming? It probably doesn’t surprise anyone that when we ask our students this question, we hear how much harder they are on themselves than they ever would be on a friend. This is why we start teaching our students skills to tame this inner critic and turn self-talk into an encouraging and supportive voice as part of our Forum 10 curriculum. 

We know that self-talk matters and how we treat ourselves truly impacts our mental and physical health. Self-criticism has been linked to decreased motivation, increased stress, burnout, and even mood disorders. At the same time, this type of self-talk is a well-worn path in our brains, making it very hard to turn the harsh critic into a kind supporter.

Fortunately, we also know that the practice of self-compassion has proven physical and mental health benefits and offers a powerful antidote to the cycle of self-blame. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas at Austin and leading self-compassion researcher, this evidence-based practice can turn harsh inner dialogue into supportive self-talk. Dr. Neff defines three key elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness. Being aware of how we think about ourselves during times of stress, disappointment, personal challenge and interpersonal conflict is the first step. Remembering that mistakes make us human and offering ourselves grace when we fall short goes a long way towards increasing our ability to manage stress and adversity. To get started, the next time you “mess up,” pause to acknowledge the self-critical thought and then gently push it away. Take a breath and remember that you are trying your best and that it’s ok that things didn’t go as planned. It may feel silly or uncomfortable at first, but being mindful of your thoughts and feelings, taking the time to normalize the hard moments and missteps, and offering yourself kindness and empathy rather than criticism and judgment, can be the shift needed to move forward with increased confidence and conviction. And remember that this is a new skill that takes time to learn! You will not master this in one go and that is to be expected.

As we remind our students regularly, we learn from making mistakes. Healthy risks—like pushing yourself to have a hard conversation, trying out for the school play or soccer team, running for a leadership position, joining Model U.N., proposing a new club, sitting with a different group of people at lunch, raising your hand to ask a clarifying question or offer your unique perspective, and entering literary or visual art contests to name a few—are inherently going to lead to some discomfort, disappointment and even failure. And, this is how we learn and grow. Staying in the comfort zone may make you feel better for a while, but ultimately it’s a small space and will limit who you can be and what you can offer as a human in this world. So, in the spirit of Amor Caritas, the practice of self-compassion can be one tool to help you better handle the stressors of daily life and support your courageous and bold inner self.

Curious to learn even more? Check out Dr. Neff’s research.